To Everything There Is A Season

So, I finally said out loud to Louis tonight that I don't want to be a midwife right now. He wasn't surprised, of course. It felt nice to actually say it.

I'm thinking this is a phase that will pass but I'm not sure when. I just don't want to and cannot deal with the emergencies (real or potential), complications, and the trauma of midwifery. I can't find the beauty and peace in it right now.

My entire attention is focused on Olivia and making sure she's living a full life. Preschool is new and exciting right now. There are so many things I can teach Olivia. I love our home. I'm experimenting with new recipes and totally looking forward to canning all summer long. I have a bunch of craft projects in the works and I'm itching to continue my family history research.

After refinancing the house and pulling out some money this past month, we can make it for a short while without my income. It will be tight but doable.

I'm considering the option of becoming a lactation consultant, since there is a fast-track training program for midwives and because it's work I've already done but without the on call part. I'm also considering building our non-profit birth resource center and taking on a paid spot as executive director. 

I don't want to feel like I'm giving up. I think there is a season for everything and there will be plenty of time to be a midwife in the future. My heart's just not there at the moment. I want to be with my daughter.