Hurt

So, I went to a meeting of doulas today. It was our holiday gathering, so it was part work and part social. It was nice to see some people I really like but hadn't seen in awhile. Now that I'm licensed and done with school, I'm starting to join the public birth world again.

Anyway, so this one doula comes up to me and says, "Isn't it so exciting to see X's bump!?" And I'm like, "Bump? What bump? Wait, what?" And the doula says, "Oh, never mind, X is telling but I'll just wait for her to tell you."

So, here's the deal. X and I are (were) really good friends. We met as new doulas and we've backed each other up a lot over the years. We've processed births together and laughed and cried about our experiences. We refer clients to each other. We've been friends through weddings, new homes, births, and holidays. We were part of a women's circle together. We knew each other really well.

Apparently the only thing our friendship couldn't survive was midwifery school.

I say hi to X and give her a hug. She looks happy to see me but says nothing more. We sit around in our circle and everyone introduces herself. When it's X's turn, she happily announces she's expecting and stands up to show off her bump, while purposely avoiding eye contact with me. When someone asks her about her birth plans, she says she's planning a home birth with a midwife.

I'm genuinely thrilled for her and husband. She looks really happy and I know this is a good thing for them. I just can't get over how stunned I am and how hurtful it feels to have found out in a meeting instead of from her. As she was talking about wanting a home birth and then saying who her midwife was, I could feel her tense up right next to me. What's the deal? Did I do something or say something wrong? Or, have I not done something I should have? I'm so confused.

And yet, it's not about me. I know that, like, for real. She doesn't owe me anything, especially not any sort of explanation about her plans. I wouldn't expect or assume she would hire me to be her midwife. Actually, I wouldn't even want her to. A couple months ago, I would have known that she felt the same way, but now it's different. I just got this whole different vibe from her. And, unfortunately, it's not just her. This was the most hurtful thing that I've felt, but I've had other birth friends also treat me differently since I got my license. I totally felt out of place at the doula meeting today. The truth is I still want to be connected to the group, but I'm not a doula anymore. On paper, I have crossed over to the other side and am now a midwife who provides labor support.

I have always tried to be so careful about keeping boundaries between friends and work. I try so hard not to offer my opinion unless and until I'm asked. What's hard is not that I think my opinion is better or that people should do or think what I would do or think, it's that sometimes I have more practical knowledge than most people are exposed to, especially about the birth world. I have no judgment whatsoever about people who plan to give birth in the hospital because that's where they feel safest, or whether someone gets an epidural or not. At the moment, those are the people who are paying (some of) my bills! If someone I care about, however, asks me about their birth options, I would do everything in my power to keep them out of Washington and away from certain midwives. I pride myself on wanted to provide (and actually providing) non-judgmental care, which is why it's so hurtful that a friend would assume otherwise. Especially hurtful is that she decided to hire one of two midwives in the entire Bay Area that I have legitimate concerns about. Maybe she knows about the midwife's safety record and is totally fine with it. But, maybe she doesn't. It's not my job to tell her, but it doesn't mean I won't worry about it for months to come.

Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake by becoming a midwife. It has cost me so much, in so many ways. The rewards are great, when they occur, but in the meantime it is an incredibly lonely existence. If I can't even demonstrate to friends that I'm a competent birth professional, or at the very least, a knowledgeable and helpful person, I may as well stop now.