Work?

I brought Olivia to a midwife meeting today. Poor girl has been dragged to all kinds of classes and meetings lately, as I start phasing back in to being a midwife again. Sometimes she is awesome and other times she's a typical baby who has a hard time sitting still or being extra quiet. I have finally come to the realization that she's getting too old (and therefore too loud and mobile) to bring to professional meetings and events now. I am seriously struggling with the decision to go back to work in earnest or to wait it out and enjoy my time with her while she's still so little. When I'm home, I sometimes feel like the hours just drag by and I feel guilty that I seem to have wasted all my training. When I'm doing midwifery related stuff, I feel guilty that I'm not focusing on Olivia like I should. Plus, it's logistically hard with the feeding and pumping and whatnot. I can't stand the thought of putting Olivia in day care or having a stranger watch her while I go to work. Nobody would ever be good enough to care for her like I could. But, could I take a long break from work without losing my skills or being hurt by a lack of income? I'm torn. In an ideal world, I could leave Olivia with grandma while I work as a part-time midwife until she's old enough to be in school, and then I could go full-time. But, grandma is still working herself, and she has other family members to take care of. She's already stretched too thin. One option I have is to work a specific shift each week (or weekend) so that I can find consistent childcare but I have to wait until Louis is done with this campaign season. I know I'm really fortunate not to have a boss man telling me I have to go back to work full-time and that it is truly a luxury that I get to be home with Olivia. I just want to figure out how I can be a good mom and still contribute to the world and our family. I don't want T to give up on me. I miss working with her. I miss going to births. But I love my baby girl and I don't want to leave her. Oy.