I can't sleep. I'm watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and realizing that I don't know my life's purpose. I have moments and days even, when everything seems clear, but today is not one of those days.
I know I'm over thinking it. But I want specifics. What exactly am I here to accomplish? Why am I feeling torn between my options for work and raising Olivia? I'm not settled. I'm not at peace.
I asked my mentor if we could chat this Friday, but I'm not even sure what I want to ask or say. I think one thing I'm curious about is whether she has ever felt this overwhelming fear of being a midwife and being responsible for other people's lives and what that actually means.
I feel paralyzed by this fear that I'm going to do something wrong or miss something and a mother or baby will suffer and I'll never forgive myself. I don't want to take on more clients and I don't even want to interview right now.
Is this a phase? How do I snap out of it? If it's not, then what? Why did I have a breakdown before leaving for this last birth, dreading every moment? Am I not feeling midwifery right now because I'm not meant to do it or because I'm scared?
All those years of training and I don't feel like I know enough and yet I don't want it all to be a waste.
T has been in Europe for the past couple weeks and it just feels like she's been gone forever.
We need groceries and I desperately want some new clothes.
It's almost 1 am and I'm not the least bit sleepy but I also don't feel like cleaning or working or watching TV or reading. I don't know what I want.
Guess I'll see if Oprah has any more words of wisdom.
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