The Wedding

Well, it happened. The wedding was a complete disaster from start to finish, but it actually took place.

I don't even know where to start.

Here are some of the highlights:

* Louis told Lamar he was making a big mistake. Lamar said Louis should have told him earlier. Hello!? Remember the anxiety attack and the trip to the ER? Yeah, he was told that day, months ago, while I was still in Texas.

* A couple hours before the ceremony, a huge tree branch fell from the sky and blocked the aisle and walkway. The Chinese family were a little nervous about it being a sign...

* Mother-in-law showed up wearing a beautiful Chinese dress the bride and groom bought her . . . with a slit right up the center straight to her crotch. Duh, totally not appropriate. Naturally, she tried to add some modesty by wearing a white satin full-length slip underneath. Slip showed when she walked. She was asked to take the slip off. MIL had a complete psychotic breakdown, started crying (first time I've ever seen that), called us all names, and accused us all of wanting to take away her things because we love stealing from her. Not only was the slip worn, so were the blue gloves with a second set of clear plastic gloves on top and the flip-flops with socks. She also insisted on carrying her 99 cent store purse down the aisle. She completely made a scene during the ceremony by walking the wrong way and yelling "shut up" to Lucy as she tried to guide her to her seat. The audience laughed. I wanted to die.

* Father-in-law stood with the groomsmen during the ceremony for no apparent reason.

* EVERYTHING that was practiced the night of rehearsal was messed up. Everything.

* The schedule got thrown off and things got mushed together so we would all be out of there by 10 pm. So, halfway through the course of shark fin soup, the DJ started playing dance music. We bee-bopped from our chairs through the rest of the banquet dinner and then ran out of time to dance. I didn't even get to dance!

* Banquet dinner was hard to enjoy because the lazy susans on the table didn't turn. Lots of food was wasted because people just couldn't reach. The servers didn't know what half the food was, which was another reason it wasn't all eaten.

* There was no box for cards and red envelopes, so people kept coming up to Louis all night long to hand him their gifts, which he stuck down his pants underneath his vest.

* Louis managed to actually sit down to eat for a total of five minutes before he was interrupted yet again. During the five minutes, however, he managed to accidentally drop a piece of lobster on my dress. During the time he wasn't there, I faked a smile and interest in the rest of my table companions, ALL of whom spoke Dutch to each other the whole night.

And that was just the actually wedding.

Then there was the rehearsal two nights before. After the rehearsal at the wedding spot, we all headed over to the bride's parents' house for dinner. FIL had brought along raw chicken and pork satay sticks as his contribution. The bride's father put the satay sticks on the grill . . . and apparently took them off before they were cooked, as evidenced by the fact that half the wedding party and the guests staying at our place ended up with food poisoning resulting in explosive diarrhea and vomiting.

Uh-huh, good times.

After an exhausting wedding day and a two-hour drive home, we were all barely hanging on. We got only a few hours sleep before we had to be up for the post-wedding brunch the next morning. As I woke up the morning after the wedding, however, I discovered that out of nowhere I had blood coming out of my ear and I couldn't hear. An advice line call to Kaiser confirmed my guess that I had blown an eardrum. Apparently the pressure behind my ear drum had been building since I got off the plane from Texas and couldn't get my ear to pop. When it finally did pop, it took my eardrum with it. Not that big a deal, since it will grow back. It just sucks that it happened when it did.

I'm telling you, there was some kind of curse going on.

After the bride finished vomiting, she and the groom headed over to our place for the brunch. We had to explain to guests that they were being asked to use Lysol and paper towels in the bathroom and that certain rooms of the house were under quarantine.

That afternoon, T (bless her cotton socks) brought over a whole supply of coconut water, electrolyte water, miso paste, ginger tincture, and homeopathic nux vomica. The family thought I had completely gone hippie on them, but they were grateful they started feeling better within about 24 hours. We're all on bland diets at the moment, but it looks like the worst is behind us.

People are starting to leave, which is a huge relief. I just want life to get back to normal. I can't believe we all survived. This is my family y'all. I couldn't even make this stuff up.