Olivia and Louis are both asleep on the couch, so now's my chance to write! She looks so cute all snuggled in the moby wrap on his chest.
Let's see, I left off about 12 hours into labor, when the midwife checked my cervix for the first time. Even though it had been 12 hours and the contractions were coming every five minutes, I was still convinced that I was in early labor and was so afraid she would say I was barely dilated. Fortunately, she said I was 5-6 cm and the baby was really low.
I remember at that point trying to run away from the contractions. They were so intense and I was still feeling them in my back. I spent hours in the birth tub, because it was the only place I could labor in a way that was tolerable. After years of helping women through labor with breathing exercises and coping strategies, I found that all went out the window for me and I couldn't remember anything. The midwife reminded me to find a focal point and basically stare at it during a contraction while I focused my attention on inhaling and exhaling. I would stare at my fingernail, I would stare at my candle, I stared at Louis. It totally helped me cope for several hours. Then all of a sudden, it didn't work anymore.
At some point during the early morning, the contractions got more intense and my focused breathing wasn't working. I felt like I was on the edge of losing it. I got through by moaning (very loudly, I thought). I tried eating a bite of banana but it just came right back up again. Later, I tried a piece of apple, but that, too, came right back up. The only things I was able to keep down during the entire labor were water and honey.
Four hours after my first vaginal exam, I started feeling lots of pressure down low, so the midwife asked if she could check me again. That time, I was 7-8 cm. Amazingly, I still felt encouraged. I kept telling myself I could do it. The entire time, I had only the most awesome support from Louis and the midwife.
I went back into the tub for a few more hours, and when I finally agreed to come out, I was fully dilated and ready to push. Pushing was definitely more challenging than I thought it would be. There was no way I could lie down in bed, no matter what position I was in. Lying down was out. I started pushing on the toilet and that worked well because I could grab onto the windowsill and the sink ledge at the same time. I remember thinking there was no way this person was going to fit through my body to come out and I was just going to have to be pregnant forever.
It took me a long time to figure out how strongly to push, because it hurt and I held back each time. I felt my bones actually spread apart as the baby came down lower. Finally, I just decided to go for it and started to push into the painful feeling. I was still on the toilet when I just knew the baby was coming. I walked into the bedroom and asked to put two chairs together as a sort of birth stool, and I squatted on the chairs with a big gap in the middle. At that point, the pushing was not something I could hold back any longer. The midwife was crouched in front of me and Louis was to my right. She guided his hand to feel the top of the baby's head, and he was so amazed that it was about to come out. He wanted to call my mom so she could be there for the actual birth, since it was happening so quickly. I remember him reaching for his phone and I yelled at him, "NO, DON'T CALL!!!" It actually had nothing to do with having my mom there or not (I actually wanted her to be there for the birth) but the pushing sensation was so intense that I couldn't handle anything else. It was a full sensory overload. I didn't want Louis to move or breathe or talk. I definitely did not want to see him on his cell phone.
Right after I yelled at him, the midwife guided his hand yet again, as the baby's head was starting to crown. I couldn't see the midwife's hands and I felt this incredible stretching and burning feeling and I snapped at her, "get your hands out of there!" and then I felt really bad afterwards, especially when she told me she wasn't even touching me, that it was all the baby's head stretching me. Oh. I remember instinctively reaching down and cradling the baby's head in my hand to help guide it out. So much hair! One more push and the baby was born! Louis caught the baby and brought the baby up for me to see.
Because the actual birth happened so quickly, the baby came out a little stunned and needed a bit of help to breathe right away. I remember knowing that the midwife was dealing with something else going on down there and so I was responsible for the baby. I was a midwife for a moment as I held the baby in a downward position to get the fluid to drain out of its mouth and then I rubbed it up to make it cry. I remember talking to the baby and saying we were so happy the baby was here and that I really wanted the baby to breathe and cry for us. As soon as the baby cried, I switched out of midwife mode and into mama mode. I had a baby! Oh, what a beautiful baby! I brought the baby up to my chest and uncovered the baby's body. I opened the baby's legs and said, "Louis, look!" Not getting a response from him (probably because he was crying so much), I said, "it's a girl!" Well, of course it was a girl. I knew it was a girl even before I got pregnant. Finally, now I could say it!
I don't remember exactly what happened next. I think Louis finally got to call my mom to ask her to come over as I made my way into bed to deliver the placenta. I knew I was bleeding a lot. I remember my parents arriving and Louis took the baby out to the front room to meet them. Meanwhile, a faucet of blood turned on and poured out of me. The placenta was delivered, I was given an injection of pitocin and my uterus was massaged very firmly to get the bleeding to stop. The uterine massage hurt so much. The midwife was rubbing me up and apologizing for the intensity and I'm yelling, "I know! I know!" and she said, "you know, you know." I knew exactly what was going on but I didn't like it. A hemorrhage is technically defined as blood loss of two cups or more. I lost at least four immediately after the birth. Not fun.
When the bleeding was finally under control, the midwife checked me for tears. I had a first degree tear which didn't require sutures, since the tissue came together nicely. Phew. I was so relieved to not have any sutures.
I yelled out, "hey, where's my baby?" and Louis brought her to me, only she was already diapered and dressed! I guess my parents didn't realize she was literally just minutes old when they arrived, so thinking she had been born awhile before, they must have thought it was strange that she was still naked. Oh well.
The next few hours are a blur. At some point I attempted to breastfeed and discovered that our little girl had a super strong suck. I remember looking over every little bit of her and feeling amazed that 1) she was so perfect, 2) I grew her!, and 3) she actually came out! I was so in love with her immediately. After some family bonding time, I got up to shower, losing lots more blood and nearly passing out in the process. After the shower, I came back to a nice clean bed and sat all propped up with pillows so I could just hold and stare at Olivia. My parents came in and out. The midwife did a newborn exam and weighed her. Seven pounds, fifteen ounces. The midwife filled out a keepsake birth certificate for us with her footprints on the back.
I was so happy. Louis was so happy. We were a family! We just had a homebirth! There was food. I tried to eat my favorite boneless chicken noodle soup from Le Soleil, but I was worried about it coming back up, so I only ate a little bit and drank the broth. So good. I was so incredibly grateful to be in my own bed in my own home, surrounded by loved ones. That was so awesome. My mom braided my hair and we all said good-bye to the midwife.
Our midwife was absolutely amazing. I have even more respect for her now than I did before, which I didn't think was possible. She did everything just perfectly and exactly how I had hoped. The absolute best thing she did for me during the labor and birth was believe in me. She had absolute faith in my ability to give birth and I will never forget it. I felt like such a wimp at times and I felt like I took forever and that I yelled loudly, but she told me that everything I had done was completely normal. She had endless patience. She was so encouraging. She handled my baby gently. She managed my hemorrhage competently. She was respectful of Louis and my family. She trusted my ability as a midwife to be responsible for my own prenatal care. I will never, ever forget the amount of respect I received from my midwife during my labor and birth. Because of how I was treated by my midwife, how I was loved by Louis, and how I was supported by my family, I am forever changed.
Two and a half weeks into motherhood, I have no complaints, no regrets. I feel great. I love our little girl with everything and I am so proud she chose me to be her mama!
1 comment:
great post! so strong.
dk
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