Birth Stories

Yesterday, the three of us went to the Bay Area Homebirth Collective's monthly birth stories potluck.  It was hosted by T, so I felt safe knowing there would be lots of helpful hands in case of a meltdown.  There were a bunch of pregnant couples, a mom with a one-year-old, and two couples with new babies.  The other couple with a newborn had a baby girl who was born one week before Olivia.  She weighed one ounce less than Olivia when she was born, and it was so cute to see how similar the two of them looked as they were being held by their daddies.

We went around the room to do introductions and then the other couple with the newborn shared their story.  After a few questions from the group, it was our turn to share.  Louis had been holding Olivia, so I started to talk.  As soon as I did, though, I realized I didn't really want to share the story.  I wasn't sure what to say and I felt uncomfortable with everyone in the room staring at me.  About halfway through the story, Olivia started to fuss and I took her and stood up to soothe her.  I totally wasn't done talking about the birth, but somehow the group moved on to hear the next birth story at that point.  It was confusing because I didn't really want to share, but then when I was basically interrupted and cut off, I felt kind of miffed.

At the beginning, T mentioned that I was a midwife, so I had to introduce myself as one of the midwives of the collective.  I'm tired of it now.  I want to be either a midwife or a new mom.  I don't like trying to be both.  I still feel like I'm very fumbly when it comes to breastfeeding and I don't like feeling like I'm being watched and studied while I'm taking care of her.

I did mention that even though I was a midwife, during my labor I couldn't remember any breathing techniques and needed help staying focused so I could get through the contractions.  One woman said she was so glad I said that, because she had felt really prepared with her first child and then lost all sense of direction once labor hit.  She had been feeling bad about it but I guess she felt better hearing that even a birth professional was clueless in labor.  I'm glad I helped a little bit.

T and a few other midwives have made it clear they are ready and anxious for me to come back to work.  I told everyone I'd be back by July 1st, but I am so not ready.  That's only a couple weeks away!  I barely know what I'm doing as a new mom and it's not like I can just fumble my way though a day of work as a midwife and then come home hoping it was good enough.  I'm really nervous about having enough continuing education units by October, which is when I need to renew my license.  Worst case scenario is that I don't get all my CEUs done and I have to delay my renewal, which means I won't be able to attend births and my colleagues will be upset with me.  I have to get my act together quickly here.