Mother or midwife

Had a really crappy morning today. When I woke up, Olivia was still asleep so Louis and I got a rare chance to talk. Because it's so rare that we get to spend time together, we seem to have forgotten how to communicate. Although he didn't mean it, it felt like everything he said was a criticism. I felt even more attacked as the morning went on.

I had plans to go to a women's circle today. Louis has known about it for weeks. So, why did he decide to shower the minute I start to walk out the door? Grr.

The short story was that I ended up yelling at the man, lost my patience with the toddler, and ran out of the house, slamming the door as I went. I meant to run away to my event but ended up sitting in my car in the driveway and I just cried.

I am so stressed out by being on call for this birth. I know that's why I'm so short tempered and Louis just had bad timing today (and doesn't know how to take a hint).

Unless and until I have a reliable childcare situation, I don't want to be a midwife. That was my aha moment of the day. This on call mess is killing me. It's far too much responsibility to have and not be able to devote my entire attention to my work.

T will be at another birth today, so I want my client to wait a couple more days. But, that puts us back into the week when Louis isn't around. Argh!

I just want to be Olivia's mama. It's hard to believe because I never thought I would want to be "just" a mom. Being a stay at home mom is such a luxury and I feel very guilty for wanting it. She's just so young still and we need each other. How can I plan outings or play dates or activities when I don't know when I'll be called away? She still screams for mama when Louis puts her to bed every night and I feel ill thinking about how she might cry if I'm gone for a long birth.

I think this is why midwives are traditionally old women whose kids are grown. I don't have enough brainpower to handle it all right now.

I just have to get through this birth. One day at a time.