Births

Apparently we just had a full moon cause it is raining babies.

I went to a birth yesterday and just got called to attend another one tonight. A midwife I haven't worked with before called me about tonight's birth because lots of the other midwives in the area are busy at their own births. I was happy to hear from her and I would have enjoyed working with her, but I don't think she will call me now :(

When I got called yesterday morning to attend that birth, Louis left work, met me and Olivia across the street from the client's house, and then came home and spent the whole day with her. It was so great of him and his work! It was really wonderful not having to worry about Olivia the whole time I was working. I was gone for eleven hours (without pumping, ow!) and then we were happily reunited in bed. I thought the birth was going to be much shorter than it was, so I didn't bring my pump and by the end, I was so engorged I could feel and see the milk ducts through my skin. It was creepy cool but I'll definitely never do that again!

Anyway, I digress. Since Louis took off a whole day of work for yesterday's birth and grandma is taking grandpa in for surgery tomorrow, I have no one to stay with Olivia. I regretfully told the midwife I was unavailable tomorrow from 11 am to 6 pm. Naturally, she's gonna try to find another assist to cover those hours and likely the whole day instead.

I'm really bummed that I couldn't make it work. I am anxious to get back to work now. Plus, one birth a month ain't paying as many bills as I would like. I enjoy being a midwife and I want to live and work as one. But, mothering is my entire life now and I am sick with the idea of leaving Olivia with someone other than Louis or grandma.

I'm so torn. I wish my sister lived closer. I wish I could find a sitter I like and trust. I want to be able to go to more than one birth a month. It sucks that I just got passed over. I don't want to leave my baby but I know T and other midwives wish I could be more available. I don't know what to do to make it all balance. Ugh.