Better Mom

So, my dad lost vision in one eye and can no longer drive. My grandfather moved in with my parents because he shouldn't be driving either and my mom is trying to hold it all together. Louis is working two full time jobs and managing a full time campaign.

I'm no longer working as a midwife.

For the sake of my sanity, I just can't. Quite literally, I have no help. I'm done.

I am just a mom now.

Except that when I was still wanting to be a midwife and needed a bunch of CEUs for my license renewal, I offered to host my midwife as she taught a series of classes at my place. Those classes are starting in fewer than 48 hours and my house is a wreck. 

Will I ever find a sense of peace? What is the actual point of getting out of bed everyday?

People keep asking me if I'm planning to have more kids and my reaction is always the same "hell no" in the most polite way possible. I had been saving all of Olivia's clothes from birth but just this week decided that I no longer need to do that. I'll keep some of the best dresses, but I'm passing on all the rest.

Some days I look down at my daughter gripping my fingers as we walk and she looks up at me and smiles and my heart feels like it's gonna burst. I love her so much.

And then other days work is hard, the husband is absent, and the family is busy and I just want to get in my car and keep driving without looking back.

I let my daughter watch far too much tv. Sometimes it's the only way to know she's not going to hurt herself or damage something while I just load laundry or take a shower or answer the phone or start dinner. In some ways it was much easier when she was a baby. I'm looking forward to the day when she can safely entertain herself and help fold laundry at the same time. This in between time is hard.

She deserves such a great mother and I'm constantly feeling guilty for not being good enough. I wish she knew that I don't love her any less on hard days. I love when she sees that I'm frustrated and comes up to rub my arm, tilts her head, and says, "it's okay, mama."

She is such a good kid. I need to be a better mother.