I hate parenting. I never, ever want to do this again.
I am not liking my kid right now and I'm not too fond of myself, either. My husband isn't around long enough for me to be upset with him.
O and I went to yoga class yesterday. The class is advertised as "bring your tots" yoga, for parents with kids ages 0-3 years but O has always been the oldest one there. Most of the other kids are about one year old. For the past couple weeks, O has been interested in building with the legos the teacher puts out in the center of the room for the kids to play with. Specifically, O likes to build a large, wide tower using as many legos as possible. This ends up being totally fine because the other kids are so little they're happy just holding onto a piece or two and don't realize O is hogging them all to herself. But, sometimes the little ones crawl over to O and take pieces off her tower. She gets upset, I have to stop what I'm doing, and remind O to share. None of the other moms ever notice their kid grabbing stuff from my kid, but whatever. I keep a constant eye on O and go to her when she's not behaving, meaning I'm scolding her more than I'm doing yoga for the hour.
Yesterday, the instructor noticed the tug of war issues with the little kids and O over the legos and stepped in to mediate so I could actually get into a pose. I was so grateful. But, as soon as she walked away, it started right up again. One baby in particular kept crawling across the room to sit next to O and grab chunks off her tower. O would snatch them back. Finally, the mom of the other kid came over to bring her baby back to her mat. As she did so, O grabbed the legos from her kid's hand. I grabbed them and handed them back to the mom, apologizing for O. The mom looked at me with disgust and went, "ugh" and walked away. What the?
A few weeks ago O did a grab and snatch with another one year old in the class and then gave the kid a push to keep her from grabbing her legos again. The girl's mom ran over, said "that's not necessary," and picked up her mat and moved across the room.
After the "ugh" from one mom and another grab and snatch moment with the girl whose mom already hates me, I had had it. We were only about 40 minutes into class but I quietly cleaned up all our supplies and folded up our mats. I told O to put her shoes on, and we left the class.
We both cried the whole way home.
She was upset about leaving her legos. I was so angry and hurt and embarrassed. I couldn't even look at O. Aside from being upset with O for not being able to behave and with the pretentious Alameda moms for thinking their one-year-olds are perfect (everyone's one-year-old is perfect!), I was most upset about having to leave during a class where I felt like I was having a yoga breakthrough and I was feeling really proud of myself for doing so well.
I can't face anybody from that class again. Which really sucks, because I just bought a ten class package and had only used two of them. And, I really liked the instructor. The class was the only time of the week where I had the chance to just sit and breathe.
And now it's just me and O all day, every day. My kid who can't share, throws things, hits other kids, hits me and Louis, refuses to go to bed, refuses to listen to anything I say, has anxiety, purposely and willfully defies anything I tell her to do, and throws tantrums over everything from choosing the right outfit to being told she can't eat ice cream for breakfast.
It's not cute. It's not fun. I don't want to do this anymore. I seriously need a break.
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