O and I had a good day today, even with the nap refusal and stressful late afternoon hours of dealing with a tired and emotional toddler by myself. I had a list of errands to run and she refused to let me comb her hair and insisted on wearing her nightgown and tap shoes while carrying her purse and stuffed pig everywhere we went. Louis had to work late yet again (he's been up since 3:30 this morning), so O and I went out to dinner together for the special fundraiser the education foundation put on. When we came home, she had her special banana swirl for dessert and we headed off to bed. Louis and I had planned that I could take off to the fabric store to get some stuff I need for my sewing class tomorrow as soon as he came home. And then, of course, O refused to go to sleep.
She was nearly there when Louis came home but once she heard him she wanted to get up and play with him. That was about the point that I lost it. Thankfully, Louis could tell and sent me out to the store while he tried to put O to bed.
I slammed out of the house and drove way too fast across town. I ended up sitting at the pattern table looking through books of patterns for inspiration, and totally lost track of time. The store was quiet and it was so enjoyable to get a moment to be "off" as a mom. I finally got to hear myself think. And all my thoughts came spilling out.
As I say there, I realized that I was looking at all the patterns for kids and baby stuff even though my homework was to find a skirt pattern for myself. But I don't want to make anything for me. All I know how to do is think of O first. And then I was frustrated that none of the patterns seemed to be adaptable to wool, which is the only material I want to work with for some reason.
Then I realized my throat was dry and sore and my first thought was that I was thirsty and hadn't had enough water today, as usual. My next thought was that I might have some horrible disease or even cancer and I might be slowly dying and how would that change how I mothered if I knew I only had a limited time left to live?
Then I started thinking about what a crappy mom I am and how I feel so very alone and that O deserves so much better. Then I thought about how it's frustrating that right now it feels like I'm not really teaching O anything and that all day every day is spent literally just trying to get by and survive. And how I miss having friends and how even my friends are consumed with just getting through each day and how if we could just move to the country and have a slower paced life, everything would be better.
Because maybe in the country we wouldn't have to deal with racism and consumerism and mean people and chemicals and poisoned land. And we especially wouldn't have to deal with all the vaccine drama that is keeping me up at night.
I wish I could feel like I was contributing something useful to the world and not just looking forward to the weekend so I can sleep in for an extra half hour.
I never did find a skirt pattern for myself but I did pick up a few supplies for class. When I came home an hour after I left, Louis and O we're playing the piano together (why does this girl *never* want to go to sleep!?) I finally put her down, listened to Louis' real estate news and office drama, and here I am. I can't keep up with my email and so many people are waiting to hear from me. Everybody needs something. I have two more days to get through before I can sleep in the bed by myself for just a little bit.
Tomorrow will be a good day because there just isn't any other option. We will get through it.
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