Over

Thanks for humoring me and allowing me to process everything that happened through my recent blog posts. I've been rather anti-social up until now, as some of you know. I hope this helps explain what's been going on and why I've had such a hard re-adjustment to coming home this time.

On Tuesday, the day after I came home, Louis went back to work, and I tried to settle in. I met up with T, which was nice, as I got caught up on all the local midwifery drama that had happened while I was gone. The rest of the week is kind of a blur, but I was so excited to see Lisa, Greg, and Kean back in San Leandro!

I had a really long text session with A as she waited at the airport for her flight back to El Paso. I was still excited for her about her upcoming role. She said she had a few big concerns about it, and I tried my best to listen and talk her through it. I told her that if the situation was reversed, she would totally tell me to pray about it, so that's what I suggested she do. I felt good at the end of our conversation because I felt like she was going to make her peace with it all, no matter what the outcome. We made plans to talk for real as soon as she was back home.

On Friday, four days after I came home, L called a staff meeting at Casa. I still don't know exactly how it all went down, but at some point between my conversation with A and the staff meeting, A decided she did not, in fact, want to take over as director. After carefully reviewing all the possible options, this really only left L with the option of closing the clinic altogether. And so, the end of Casa de Nacimiento was announced, right then and there, as October 1st, 2011.

When I heard, I felt like I couldn't even breathe. So many thoughts and feelings all at once. I couldn't imagine how emotional the staff must have been at that meeting, knowing the institution of Casa, not to mention the jobs of nine staff members, was coming to a close. I was torn between wishing I had been there to help comfort everyone and being glad I was home when it was officially announced. I was so hurt for A who most certainly did not take her decision lightly. If my mentor had asked me to step up and take over her spot, could I have said no thank you? That had to have been one of the most painful things she has ever done.

It hit me not long after that I had just said good-bye to some of the midwives and secretaries for the very last time, EVER. Women I love and fiercely respect, I may very well never see again. For 26 years, L has poured her heart and soul into the clinic, costing her numerous personal sacrifices (including a marriage) along the way. More than 14,000 babies were born there and more than 800 students received quality midwifery training as a result of her passion, dedication, and hard work. There was so much blood, sweat, and tears involved in that clinic, literally.

And now it's closing. The drug war won.

I've been glued to Facebook this past week, checking for status updates from L, staff midwives, secretaries, former interns, and other fans of Casa. I feel completely helpless here in CA. It has been nearly a full week since I found out, and I am just now starting to believe it's for real. Just when I think I'm all cried out, I'll remember something else that I will never get to experience again, and I'll be devastated all over again.

The word has slowly started to spread among the local midwifery community, and because everyone knows I have strong ties to Casa, they are really curious what I think. Tomorrow will be the first time I'll be at a large gathering of midwives, and I know they'll have tons of questions, so I'm preparing myself to stay calm about it all. Mostly I feel really protective of the clinic and the midwives right now and I don't want to hear any false rumors or gossip about what people think happened.

A and I have plans to talk within the next day or two, so I can get the full story of what exactly happened at the staff meeting and how she came to her decision. At least she and the others know I've been thinking about them. Tomorrow, I'll mail off a box of Trader Joe's snacks for them, as gift-giving is how I show love :) I have to DO something.

*sigh* This is actually happening.