Saturday

So, after saying goodnight to A by text at around 1 am, I fell into a deep sleep. When I came downstairs at about 8 am later that morning, Bob teased me about sleeping so late. I explained that I was up late texting A, who was close to having a baby. L said to me, "oh, so you've heard." I said, "heard what?" Well, as it turned out, the baby was born soon after I dozed off, except there were complications and A ended up calling L at about 4 in the morning to tell her about it. L explained everything to me in the kitchen on Saturday morning, as I stood there with my mouth wide open. I could not believe what had happened. Both mother and baby are perfectly fine now, but it was one of those births where the midwife ends up making deals with God as she tries to keep from completely freaking out. It was a birth that required every bit of skill and knowledge she had built up over the years.

I was so worried about A and how she was doing. L said I was crazy to be worried, because not only was A fine, but that what happened to her was actually a wonderful thing. See, A is my mentor, but L is actually her mentor. It's a crazy kind of midwifery love triangle. I was worried, but L was proud of A and her skills and abilities. I couldn't see it from that angle at first, but I'm glad she was able to.

After breakfast, L and Bob and I took a drive out to Gothic, a city about 90(?) minutes away down the two-lane highway and lots of unpaved roads. The fields of Gothic were supposed to be blooming with wildflowers, which was really the draw for us, although the ride was really enjoyable. At 10,000 feet elevation, I think Gothic was probably the most beautiful place I have ever been. It was 70 degrees out, but the mountains were still snow-capped and as the snow melted just feet from us, it began flowing into mini streams that ran down the mountain and converged into one main creek that was filled with beavers and their dams. The wildflowers were just beginning to emerge, so in another week or two the fields will be covered, but it was still great to see the specks of color on the ground and try to match each type of wildflower we saw with a pocket guide we brought along.

Along the way, there were deer and elk and tons and tons of nature. I loved it. The scenery was so, so beautiful and peaceful.

We had a great conversation in the car about midwifery, Casa, A, Louis, babies, nature, politics, family, you name it. I still feel really honored that they welcomed me into their lives for the weekend and were so generous with their time and everything else. On this part of my trip, I was as far removed from the stress of the Bay Area as I could possibly be. For a brief while, I even forgot about the heartache of saying goodbye to everyone. I just fell in love with Colorado.

Back at the house, L and I sat on her porch talking some more about A and what had happened that morning. She opened up about a bunch of confidential stuff and it was really touching to feel like she trusted me enough to share what she did. By the end of our really emotional conversation, she was crying, I was crying, and we had a whole different understanding of each other. It was intense. I finally got my chance to try to express my gratitude and appreciation for all that she created and allowed as a result of her dream and hard work. She is the reason I was able to fulfill my own dream of becoming a midwife. In between tears, I tried my best to articulate to her just how proud I am to say I am a Casa-trained midwife and just how profound my entire experience there has been. I think she heard me. I hope.

I totally didn't even mean to break down and cry, but it was just one of those moments where I couldn't even hold it back. I learned from her that when I first arrived at Casa, she spoke with one of my preceptors from back home who actually told her that I was terrible with my hands and that I wasn't worth teaching. That hit me. That same preceptor had told me to my face that I basically sucked, but I never knew she went so far as to say I wasn't worth teaching. I am still hurt about that one. But, L was so right about how it was just another example of how empowering Casa was not just to the women who birthed there, but to students as well. I arrived there as a student with absolutely no confidence in myself personally or professionally, and I left a fully confident, capable, licensed midwife, knowing I have nothing to prove to anyone. I feel so indebted to L and all that she has done.

Part of what she confided in me was the info about the struggle Casa is facing with trying to stay alive financially. The drug war in Juarez has finally made the area too dangerous for many people to stay, and as people flee the city en masse, there just aren't as many women coming across the border to give birth. As a result, the clinic is hurting and she told me unless something drastic happens soon, they will have to close.

Part of the reason she was so happy with how A handled the birth that morning was because it proved to her that A is fully capable of taking over the clinic as the leader of the next generation. L said she was getting old and tired and she's been wanting to turn it over for some time now, but it hasn't seemed just right. As she talked about how she wanted A to step up and take over, I got all excited for my mentor because it would be great to see her in that role. I know she could do it.

L and I are both really into genealogy, and as we talked, she explained the genealogy of midwifery as it related to how we got where we are. I'm fascinated by how she was trained by an OB, then she specifically chose and basically spoon-fed A so she could be sure she was properly trained, then A took a liking to me and made sure of the same thing, and here I am. We are all connected. It really is quite humbling to be worthy of being chosen and trained by these powerful women. Just as I do my best to honor my biological ancestors and the opportunities they have provided, I also need to honor my midwifery ancestors for all they have given. It is also quite a responsibility to know that someday I will be the one choosing and passing the skills and secrets on to the next generation. I mean, really, this stuff is deep.

After dinner, we drove up the road again to check out the full night sky. It was my first time seeing a shooting star! I had no idea there were so many stars in the sky. Every so often, we could also make out the shimmer of the northern lights, which was amazing. I so loved my time there. I wished Louis could have been there, too, because if he had been, I would have had no desire to ever leave.

That night, as I thanked them for everything, L and I talked about how she was just waiting for A to get home from the birth so she could make a formal decision about whether to take over the clinic and keep it alive. Knowing there was nothing I could except wait, I tried my best to have a nice, restful sleep.