This morning, my client calls to tell me she hasn't felt any movement from the baby since yesterday. Lovely. This, of course, means one of two things: 1) The baby is totally fine and is just enjoying a late pregnancy nap, or 2) The baby is dead.
The baby is fine, thank goodness, but it was a crazy stressful morning waiting to make arrangements to find out. My dad and Louis were on call in case there really was a problem with the baby and we had to go to the hospital.
At one point during the wait period between phone calls this morning, I was so stressed out I just sat there and cried. Olivia came over and gave me a hug and a kiss and waited until I smiled and told her I was okay. Oh, my baby.
I'm so not into being a midwife right now.
I've realized that when I have no control over life, I get super into cleaning my home. Cleaning is my desperate attempt to grasp onto what little control I can and it helps me find peace. This afternoon, even after I knew my client and her baby were fine, I decided to clean the bookshelf corner in Olivia's room. We gathered every single book from around the house and piled them in the center of her room. Then, I wiped down the blinds in the corner, wiped down the bookshelf, and wiped down each individual book. I sorted the board books she likes to read from the soft cover books that she likes us to read to her. I even separated a stack of books for a garage sale and another stack to put away until she's older. Then, we put the books back on the shelf and I hands-and-knees scrubbed the floor in the corner.
Olivia had a great time "helping" and I felt much better afterwards.
Two nights ago my stress cleaning project was the stairs leading to our office. They were full of bags and things and still covered with the dust from the kitchen construction. It was making me crazy, so I cleared off the steps and vacuumed each one multiple times. I still want to steam clean them, but they look and feel much better now.
I'm doing my best to hang onto my sanity.
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