To Midwife Or Not

So, I've been having a hard time lately. Since I decided to go back to work as a primary midwife, even on such a limited part-time basis, I have been majorly stressed. Just before the new year, I had a long talk with Louis about what it would be like if I took a break from midwifery and stayed home with Olivia.

In my mind, staying home meant being available for all the classes and play dates and adventures we're doing now, without the worry of being tied to my cell phone because I'm on call. It also meant having the time to plan, prep and cook healthy meals at night, potty train, continue to teach and encourage Olivia to read, paint, make music, ride a bike, make friends, etc., to keep up with the housework, and work on ways to live in a more healthy way on a budget.

Being off call and on a break from midwifery meant peace and happiness for me and the rest of the family.

The kicker was whether we could financially afford to do it. Last year was a great financial year for us, in part due to my contribution, which was more than I had been able to earn in the past five years or so. Unfortunately, everything that came in also went out and money has been tight again lately.

So, Louis and I agreed that I would pray on it and look for signs about whether I should continue working as a midwife or take a break.

My very first sign came immediately at the grocery store, when my credit card was declined due to low balance. Until then, I was feeling pretty hopeful about my chances of taking a break but it was a nice dose of reality. 

Since then, the signs pointing toward midwifery have been overwhelming. Opportunities are, like, falling into my lap. My last client wrote me a very heartfelt thank you note saying she had had a wonderful experience working with me and having her baby at home. I'm getting thank yous and acknowledgments from colleagues and family and friends. All these professional networking possibilities just suddenly appeared. There are lots of inquiries coming in and I could potentially be booked until the end of this year. Women who hire me say they are so glad to have found a woman of color midwife because there are so few that exist. I feel guilty not wanting to be a midwife.

I don't know what to think. I was clearly leaning one way and the universe seems to be pulling me back the other way. Do I just suck it up and deal with the stress of being on call? It's really, really hard. I can still do almost everything with and for Olivia that I wanted, it's just my sense of peace and balance that will be sacrificed. Some days it feels like my heart is not in midwifery right now. I hate hate hate it when Olivia cries the whole time I'm gone at a prenatal and even Louis can't calm her. I hate that for about a week after I've gone to a birth, she will wake up in the night calling for me because she's afraid that I'm gone again.

I'm still praying for a definite answer, but for the moment, I'm planning to keep working. I have an interview next week :(