Even though she knows it's really challenging for me to be on call for births, she did recently ask me to assist her at a birth that was going to be quick and close to me. I agreed, but as the due date got closer, I started having second thoughts. Not about the client, but about my ability to be available and able to help. I started stressing over getting "the call" and I ended up with crazy insomnia at night but I was super tired during the day. I was constantly on edge and I felt horrible. After lots of debate with myself about the right thing to do, I called T and asked her to take me off call for the birth. I knew I was letting her down, but I also felt so much relief from my decision. I just can't go to births right now. Not while Louis is working seven days a week and I have no help with O.
Anyway, that client gave birth yesterday afternoon. Her entire labor was two hours long. I missed a two hour labor on a Saturday afternoon. Are you kidding me!? All that stress and worry about getting a middle of the night call. Ugh, I so could have gone.
Except, yesterday at the time of the birth, I was enjoying a meal at our favorite Indonesian restaurant with my husband and our daughter. Louis had a miraculously free day yesterday and we decided to spend the day in SF. We spent several hours at the SF zoo and then thoroughly enjoyed our Indonesian food. It was a great day. Everybody was super relaxed and we had fun, just like a normal family! So, I missed a birth, but I so totally enjoyed the time with my family.
Not going to births for awhile is going to be ok. It's only temporary. Someday I'll get back there. For now, I'm liking the prenatal and postpartum visits, especially the "everything is wonderful" type of visits like I had today. I'm really grateful for T's help with keeping me involved.
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