The governor could decide any moment now and he has 12 days to take an action. We're all waiting to see what will happen. At this point, I have surrendered. I have done my best to kill this bill and I'm at peace now with the fact that it's still here. I'm keeping faith that there is something great that will come from all this stress, fear, and anger in the end.
Also, I went to meditation class tonight, and it helped a lot. I've been learning about the difference between anger and moral outrage. I've been holding onto so much rage about the bill, the lies, the stupidity, and the betrayal, and I've been looking for a constructive way to deal with it all.
Last week, I started a major de-clutter of our home, and I've kept it up so that it's now turned into a full on nesting experience. Can you still go through nesting even when you're not pregnant? Apparently so, cause I've got it pretty bad. I know the cleaning and de-cluttering and redesigning is just my way of dealing with a lack of control over the rest of my life.
The bill impacts our whole family. If it passes, we'll consider joining a class-action lawsuit, with everything that entails. We'll also be forced to change our plans for O's schooling. The way the current bill is worded, O will be able to attend two years of preschool but will not be able to attend kindergarten in either a public or private school. Homeschooling will be the only option at that point. So, two years buys us time to work on changing the law, and/or preparing to homeschool.
I think what stresses me most (aside from the discrimination we'll experience) is the idea that I will be completely and totally responsible for her education. A couple generations ago, this would have been the norm but it's such a foreign concept today. What? You mean *I* have to teach my kid!?
I don't worry about her not knowing the basics of reading, writing, and math. I worry that she's already more advanced than many kids her age and I'll be responsible for challenging her to learn at a higher level than her friends. I remember being academically different from my friends at a young age and I hated it. I don't want her to have the same trauma. I guess I knew that public school was not going to be a viable option for elementary school, but I was secretly hoping we'd be able to find the right private school for her. To have no option but to homeschool still feels pretty overwhelming. How do I incorporate sports, music, art, and life skills into an academic schedule? When money isn't really a concern, how much should we plan to spend? Is it better to spend more? What's the right program or curriculum to follow? Do we buy one or just plan our own?
I know I'm not alone but I am having such a hard time with all these unknowns. There's a homeschooling conference coming up in August in San Jose, and I definitely want to go, so I can get some answers.
Anyway, O and I went to the mall today so I could check out some Pottery Barn drapes for our dining room. The ones I want are only available online, but I bought the rod in the store today. We also stopped at Williams Sonoma so I could spend a gift card on a new loaf pan and cookie sheet. I promised O that she could ride the cars before we left, and standing there watching her ride while I held the Pottery Barn box and WS bag made me feel like the ultimate hausfrau. Oh my goodness, this is my life now.
Along with homeschooling comes the complete loss of my ability to work as a midwife, the career I spend so much time and money to start. My entire focus will now be on my kid and our home. Welcome to the 1950s.
I'm having a super hard time with this part. It would be different if I had the choice. I have no control over anything at the moment. Ok, God, this or something better.
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