So, yesterday (or whatever, I don't know what day it is), I got hit with a massive dose of oxytocin and I was loving life and everyone around me. Today, I'm tired, dirty, hungry, and life sucks.
I had such a rough night last night. I worked an overnight shift with the clinic's main midwife, and we had a woman come in saying her water had just broken. I take one of the new students with me to examine the woman. Indeed, her membranes have ruptured, but she has one of the weirdest cervixes I've ever felt. I honestly didn't know what I was feeling. It brought me right back to being a new student and not having a clue what I was feeling during a vaginal exam. Except now, being licensed and all, I'm supposed to know what I'm doing.
I started beating myself up. I felt terrible for not being able to teach the student anything useful, and it was embarrassing. The midwife left me to deal with the labor by myself, which just made it that much worse when I finally broke down and woke her up to check the woman's cervix since I didn't know what I was feeling. I'm sure she thinks I'm a complete idiot. I so wanted to cry at having to acknowedge that I was completely useless and inept.
Finally, it's time for the woman to deliver and the midwife wants me to run the birth, meaning I will be the one to show the intern (who is about to catch her very first baby ever) where to put her hands, what to check, how to encourage the laboring woman, etc. So much pressure! I totally knew how excited the intern was about this first catch, and I feel like I blew it for her. My confidence in myself was alreay shot, the midwife scolded and critized me in front of the intern, and I'm pretty sure even the client thought I was incompetent.
I just want to run away. I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Maybe the sheer exhaustion is making me extra sensitive, but it was such a hard night. I feel like I let everyone down and that I lost a bunch of respect I had built up. I'm just so tired. I forget how intense this place is. Why am I here?
1 comment:
Love, though none of us will ever know what you are going through, you have said the whole purpose of returning to Casa is to reinforce the very important skills you have built up. If you were an expert and already knew the answers, there would be nothing more to accomplish and Casa would be an irrelevant place to you. But that's not the case. You showed great professionalism by (1) taking responsibility, (2) acknowleding that you did not have the answer(s), and (3) summoning someone who did. You helped teach the intern a great lesson -- and, in the process, hopefully you learned, too! I suppose the next step is to build on what you've learned and continue to practice. Weakness is a challenge in disguise and an opportunity to succeed - not anything to be ashamed of! We are immensely proud of you and know that week 2 will be better than the first, and so forth! 143
Post a Comment