Hospital birth

I'm still pregnant. The phone calls and inquiries about whether the baby has arrived are now starting. Ugh. I haven't left the house all week and I am loving it. I'm loving the dark rainy days, as well. It's the closest I can get to being in an actual cave. I'm so tempted to just turn my phone off now. I can't believe how strongly this hibernation instinct has hit me. I just want to be alone.

I've gotten quite a few questions about how kaiser factors into our birth plans, so I thought I would try to clear up a few things. First, if our baby needs to be born in a hospital, we will go to Hayward kaiser. And it will be totally okay. If we end up in the hospital, it will be because we absolutely need to be there. If the consensus between me, Louis, and the midwives is that we need medical help, there will be no hesitation in deciding whether to stay home or not. After all, isn't that the point of having access to hospitals and medical care? I think there can be a total lack of understanding from non-homebirthers about how this works. If the planned home birth happens in the hospital, I won't be disappointed or upset or think I somehow failed. I'll know that the decision to transport was made with true informed consent and that I have the ability to make the final call. I think what would be upsetting is if people tried to tip-toe around the news in hopes of somehow sparing my feelings. So, let's be clear. If our baby is born in the hospital and not in our home as planned, there will be no grief, no pity, and no feelings of failure. Instead, there will be gratitude for the fact that we are privileged enough to have access to care that just may save the baby's (or my) life.

Phew.

But oh my goodness, there is no place like home. I feel so incredibly grateful for the life opportunities that have allowed me to become informed about pregnancy and childbirth. I deeply believe that we are each affected by the way in which we are born and cared for during such vulnerable times. As a midwife, I feel like I have always been physically gentle with moms and babies, but now I have a whole different understanding and appreciation of emotional gentleness as well. I'm kind of looking forward to working again real soon so I can see how I will be a different, better midwife. This is definitely my life's purpose.

It's funny how midwifery care and home birth have been a normal part of my family history for generations (with just the past two generations as exceptions) but now that we're coming back to what really is normal, it feels like such a privilege. My ancestors birthed at home because they didn't know anything else and certainly couldn't afford it if they did. Now, it has taken me two college degrees, a license from the medical board, a huge amount of financial debt, and a tremendous amount of courage (loneliness, ridicule, lack of respect) just to get back to where we started, which was women caring for women in their own communities.

We now have full access to emergency medical care if we need it, but that's exactly what it should be used for - emergencies. I have so little faith in our medical system's ability to provide actual health care and especially around pregnancy and birth, I feel like we're doing more harm than good. Being able to birth at home with all the care, gentleness, love, and respect involved will just be the ultimate for me. I'm not scared at all. I'm so looking forward to it!