Done

Time for a venting session.

So, today is April first. Many months ago, I told myself that today would be my first day of hibernation, which is all I want to do until the baby is born. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hibernate just yet. Still too many things to do.

Last night, Louis and I went to a dinner as guests of his boss. It was a charity fundraiser where we had a chance of winning a sizable reverse raffle, but really we went out of obligation for the $150 a plate tickets his boss paid for. I so wanted to be anywhere else than the dinner and it turned out to be awful. There were hundreds of people there and just after our main dish was served, the announcer person started auctioning off ridiculously high priced items like vacations and old wine and junk. It was so incredibly loud. Louis and I tried to keep up with the table conversation, even though we had to shout. About this same time, the lady sitting next to me (a brand new RN who is so new she doesn't even have a job yet) decides to question me/us about our birth plans and then moves into a debate about vaccines. After spouting off some of the dumbest, most insulting comments I have ever heard about both topics, I just threw down my napkin and walked out. I've never done that before but it felt great. I just couldn't even handle being there. To heck with politeness.

I found a quiet couch in a dark corner where I couldn't hear the obnoxious auction and just sat still for a moment. I apologized to baby for all the chaos. I got the idea to text A in El Paso about the dumb nurse, since I knew she would understand. Fortunately, she was awake and within just a few minutes she had me laughing again. I couldn't think of a more articulate way to say I was grateful for her friendship, so I told her I was so glad she existed! I think she understood. I so love my midwives.

Speaking of which, T is making her way back to the US and will be back home in just over 50 hours. She offered to come straight over, since she knows I'm not doing too well. I'm touched, of course, but I'm actually afraid to see her again because I feel like I'll just collapse into a big sobbing mess and let out every frustration I've been trying to hold in.

I'm so stressed and upset that I just want to crawl into a small, dark cave and disappear. I'm done. I'm so finished with the questions about my due date, my birth plans, my midwife, my views on health care, you name it. I want to be alone with my husband and the whole rest of the world can go away now.

This morning, Louis was helping me with my prenatal visit and during the 10 minutes or so that we were together, I got texts from two people, his brother called just to ask when he could come over and see the baby, and Louis answered the home phone while on the phone with his brother, got flustered and interrupted a fax with my lab results. Seriously. No big surprise that my blood pressure, while still in the normal range, was higher than it has been all pregnancy.

If I could have it my way, I would have an unassisted labor (just me and Louis), a midwife here at the end so I wouldn't have to think, and then my mom and sister here to help immediately afterwards. I don't even want to think about seeing anybody else for at least a week after the birth. I'm not done with being pregnant and I really just want to focus on the baby and absolutely nothing else. I know it's crazy selfish, but I'm losing it here and I'm just done with the world.

Okay, venting session done.