I can't, of course, but that's what I want. Nobody ever talks about this, but I seriously hate being a mom. I love my daughter and constantly feel guilty for wanting to take a break from her because if I say it often enough, maybe something horrible will happen and I'll get my wish, except I don't want anything to happen to her. It's like life is on full volume and I just want to turn it down but I can't because it's not possible and will never be possible. I will never get a break from caring for her or worrying about someone else caring for her. And the thought of having another child is horrifying.
Maybe it's hormones or having a three year old, but everything about parenting is so HARD. The daily routine of showering, dressing, feeding, and getting her out the door on time in the morning is just miserable. I can't remember the last time I woke up looking forward to the day ahead.
There's the stubborness, lying, tantrums, yelling, and straight defiance to deal with, too. And the potty training accidents. Ugh. The trips, falls, bumps, scrapes, tears, and all the potential harm keep my stress level at a constant high and probably accounts for me not being able to lose weight. The pressure to do it right or face judgment from the world. So many needs. And all by myself.
I'm so desperate for a break that this past week with my sister in law here (of all people!) was the closest I've ever felt to being on a vacation since becoming a mom.
For Mother's Day, I just want my life back. I want to sleep through the night and go a whole day with nobody touching me or needing anything. I don't think I was meant to be a mother. I'm horrible at it and I feel guilty that my daughter must be picking up on how unhappy I am. I'm not sure how to fix it so that she can get the parents that she deserves. I am tapped out.
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