Olivia and I had a great day today. We went to Music Together and Kiddie Kollege this morning, then came home for her nap while I got some work done on the computer. We finished some thank you cards and took a walk/bike ride to the mailbox a couple blocks away. We came home and made spaghetti for dinner, her favorite. Louis came home and I took off for a meeting at the library. I came home, we watched a little bit of Sesame Street, brushed teeth, read a book, and headed to bed.
Except, she wasn't tired. Actually, she was tired but she wasn't able to sleep. I'm not sure why this happens sometimes. She nursed in bed like she always does, but she would not or could not lie still and fall asleep. After AN HOUR of trying, I told her she needed to lie down or I would leave. She told me to go sleep in my own bed, so I left hers.
After a couple minutes (during which time I moaned and complained to Louis about how late it was, how much work I had to get done, and how frustrated I was with her for not going to sleep, and how I thought it was about time I stopped nursing and forced her to put herself to sleep), she came out of her room to ask me to come back. With a major new dose of patience, I went to lie down with her again, in hopes of getting her to sleep.
She asked to nurse and I told her no. Nicely, of course, but I said we were all done nursing for the night because the milk was all gone. She got this horrified look on her face and started wailing, "nooo...!" I almost caved about 20 times.
I tried rubbing her back, patting her back, snuggling real close, and petting her head. The whole time she kept asking to nurse and crying. Desperately sorrowful, exhausted crying. It broke my heart.
I ended up singing some songs I used to sing to her when she was a baby and that calmed her down to just sniffles. Eventually, and it took awhile, she fell asleep. I watched her as she slept and I was just so blown away by how beautiful she is and how amazing it is that she's my daughter. I don't think I could go on living without her. She is my life.
I'm so torn. Am I really ready to stop nursing? Is she? Would tonight have been different if she wasn't already so tired? Should I do the same thing tomorrow night? I can't stand to see her so miserable.
I came out to the living room to decompress and the first thing I see when checking Facebook is an article about breastfeeding past toddlerhood. The natural weaning age around the world is between 2.5 and 7 years old. So we're not weird yet. Even if we were, it's about so much more than the milk at this point. It's her comfort and our calming time together, with the added benefit of immune system support. I can't just take it away from her.
It's nearly midnight now and I have accomplished nothing since coming home this evening. But, I'm so glad I found that article about reminding me to slow down and enjoy the moment. At least I don't feel so stressed anymore.
My baby is growing up.
No comments:
Post a Comment